​

I responded to what I thought at the time were just my own thoughts.

I remember thinking "I'm not going to see him. I owe him money." The 'thought' just came

back again, "Go and see Alan". "But he's angry" I responded. "Go and see Alan"

came the thought again. 

 

This went back and forth for around 10 to 15 minutes. There were numerous good reasons

not to see Alan. As well as the above it would mean a 20 minute walk and I would have to

literally walk it. Not only that, I didn't have his phone number. "What if he's not in?" I mused.

None of this made the slightest scrap of difference. The thought just came back again,

"Go and see Alan". Eventually I relented and went to see him.

 

As it turned out Alan was home and he didn't even mention the money.

What he did mention was a flyer he had been given which was advertising a music event

scheduled for that night. Alan explained that he couldn't go because he was taking his

girlfriend out but he kept the flyer in case he saw me {It was the type of music I was into}​. So off I went to this event which was about ready to start.

 

On my way I stopped off at another friend's flat to invite him. He was into Hip Hop too so I wanted him to know about it. When I got there he told me he had arranged to meet a group of friends that night and was about to go out but that he would bring them all along. So with that promise, I made my way to the venue alone, expecting to see him later.

 

The music was pretty decent as I recall with the added bonus being that between tracks the performers would share something of their personal story. All of them spoke about Jesus as if they knew him. Normally I ridiculed religion but these were young people doing something I respected so I heard them out. At the end one of the performers got up and began to address the audience. It turned out he was the pastor of the church that put on this event. As he was speaking something strange began to happen. It was as if God was right there looking straight through me and could see everything, even my thoughts and feelings. I began to feel very uncomfortable. 

 

At this point I had better explain something. I was a very arrogant man and I loved sinning. Of course I never used the word 'sinning'. As far as I was concerned everything I did was right. I stole and robbed, cursed, threatened and used violence, vandalised and vindictively swore revenge on anyone who crossed me. Furthermore I was proud of it. I rationalised my lying and deception and I was a god in my own eyes. As for religion? Well the more religious a person was the more worthy of scathing ridicule they were as far as I was concerned. At this point, however, God was very real and I felt as if every excuse I used was a total waste of time. That was very unusual for a man who could look at the same grey sky you were looking at and argue it was blue until I myself was blue in the face. My golden rule was "Never admit you are wrong...ever!!!" 

 

There was one thing I could not be proud of however and that was my hatred for my own mum. We didn't get on and that night I sat there listening to that man preach and heard him say "Some of you don't even love your own mother!". It was as if God himself had got my number. The man continued by explaining the whole point of Jesus life was to die. To die for all the bad things we have done. These things separate us from God and put us under his impending judgement but Jesus died to pay the price for everything we had done wrong. If you think you are good enough for heaven when you die you are fooling yourself. Nobody is. But Jesus died for our sins so that anybody who turns to him and gives their lives to him would be 'saved'.

 

I rode it out. I waited for the end and hoped to just slip out the door but before I could, a gentleman approached me and said hello. I felt deeply uncomfortable. He asked me what I thought about the message and I said something about intending to attend the church tomorrow. His reply was "That's good but what if you were to die tonight? What would happen to you?". I felt more and more uneasy. I looked toward the door. I expected my friends to arrive any minute and here I was talking about religion to someone! Right then It was as if God spoke to me. "You know what this man is saying is true and you know if your friends walked in right now you would laugh in his face and walk out."

 

I felt like such a hypocrite. I was caught 'bang to rights' as they say. He introduced me to one of the members of the church who, after a brief introduction, said we simply needed to pray. I hesitated. I was embarrassed. To be honest he pretty much dragged me into praying. I remember at that point conceding to, what for me was, a rare moment of honesty. I said in my mind, "God, I don't know if I can live this life you're calling me to but all I can promise is I will try." In my mind, sinning was like being on a toboggan going down a mountainside slope. It was easy and continuous. However doing good was like walking up a mountain with a large backpack on. I realised that if I lived until I was 80 I would not make up for all the wrong I did. If heaven and hell for me were decided on the moral scale of justice I was bankrupt anyway.

 

So that was it.

I prayed.

The guy with me showed me what to pray and I simply did the following:

I admitted to Jesus I was a sinner.

I asked him to forgive all my sins.

I asked him to come into my life.

I pledged to put my trust in him and follow him for the rest of my life.

 

That was it. Right then something strange happened. It was as if a physical weight was slowly taken from my shoulders. Something I never knew was there was slowly removed. As I walked home that night I began to notice other strange things too. My normal predilection for swearing and profanity had disappeared without any effort on my part. My normal mindset which was dominated by thoughts of hate, anger and violence had totally changed. I felt happy. I felt at peace. It was weird in a really good way. I walked home that night not really knowing what to make of it all but feeling really good nonetheless.

 

That night I sat on the edge of my bed and looked up and the large sprawling collection of music I had. So much of it was hip hop music. I loved my music and I especially loved gangsta rap. I loved the violence, the rebellion, the profanity and aggression. I never missed an opportunity to play my music....That is except for that night. There was such a sense of peace in that room with me that I didn't want it to go away. For probably the first time in my life I passed up the chance to play my music. I didn't want  that sense of peace to go away. I lay down wondering if this really was too good to be true. I figured if this feeling was still with me in the morning it must be real. I woke up that morning at it was still there.

 

I ended up giving away my collection of music. Alan took a lot of it. He kept asking me if this was o.k. I think he thought I'd gone mad. I didn't dare tell him at the time I had become a Christian. The day that this change happened was December 11th 1993 and today I am still a follower of Jesus. That day is like my birthday. It was the day I became a new person. I became born again. That was the day I gave up carrying a knife, running around in gangs and planning how to get vengeance on my enemies. That was the day everything turned around and I became a new person. 

 

In over 20 years there have been struggles. There have been good days and bad but that one hour changed my life forever. I was on a fast track to destruction. By rights I should either be dead or spending the rest of my life in prison but here I am typing this. My life is a miracle. The same God I thought didn't exist apprehended me and changed me in a single hour of one day. That was the day I started a new life.